UFO: The Chnileieenien Wager
Every time I hit the letter * on my computer it replaced it with a *. I said, “What the heck is going on here?”
My wife said, “Hold it down in there! You made me knit when I should have *een purling.”
I kept cussing my computer and my wife decided to move out on the patio with her knitting.
I decided that “someone” had programmed my computer so that every time I hit the * key it printed a *.
When you hit a key on our computer and it prints something other than what key is supposed to print you have a macro assigned to your keyboard. For example, when you hit Control * your computer prints in *old.
Well, that was a *ad example. When you hit Control i your computer prints in italics.
Such a macro is called a shortcut. You can have a macro print the Gettysburg Address if you want to. To set up a macro in Word® go to Tools, Macro, and follow the instructions. You can also remove a macro there.
I looked for a macro that would print a * when I hit the * key. There was no such macro.
That’s when I yelled, XRYTSPET!
Xrytspet said, “What’s up, Taylor Jones, the hack writer?”
I turned and she was sitting on the little green stool I have in the corner of my den. I chuck papers on the stool when I need extra desk space. The papers were on the floor and Xrytspet and the stool where in the air. I said, “Get down from there you idiot.”
Xrytspet de-levitated and drifted down to the floor. She sat on my desk. I said, “You’ve been messing with my computer again, haven’t you?”
She twitched her nose and said, “So?”
I said, “You’ve put a hidden macro assigned to my keyboard in there somewhere. I just can’t find the darn thing. Every time I hit the * key I get a *.
She looked at my manuscript. You push the * key and you get a *. What do you expect?
“Xrytspet!”
She said, “Well, don’t get so huffy. And don’t call me, Idiot. I reserve that term for you.”
I said, “Xrytspet, are you going to tell me what you did?”
She said, “It was all for your own good.”
I said, “I push the * key and I get a *. How can that be for anybodies good? My readers will be confused as hell.”
“Your readers are as confused as hell.”
That’s what she said and it hurt.
I guess I pouted. She said, “It’s all for your own good Taylor Jones, the hack writer. It’s the Chnileieenien Wager.”
I said, “The what?”
“The Chnileieenien Wager,” she said. The Chnileieeniens are in G23874665530. They are the gamblers of the universe. They bet on everything. Right now they have a wager that at some time each of the over 12,000 writers in your writing pool will hit the * key at the same time. I foiled them by having your computer print a * when you press the * key instead of a *. That will fool them until they figured out what I did. By then the time limit on the wager will have expired. “
I said, “I’m trying to figure out what you did.
“So what if we all hit the * key at the same time and print a *.
“So what?”
She said, “Then the Fonlikors from G78899445 will loose their bet to the Chnileieeniens. The Fonlikors are more-than-ugly killers of the universe. They will come in here with their Avglaitors and cut you and all the other writers in your pool into ribbons.”
I imagined what an Avglaitor looked like. Probably like one of those electric bread slicer they have in bakeries. I said, “When does the wager expire?”
She said, “2034.”
I said, “Why, thank you, Xrytspet!”
I can live with the * key printing a * until 2034.
Let’s see, I’ll only be 102 years old!
The End
John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com, a retired VP of R&D for Lenox China, is author of detective & western novels, nonfiction (business, scientific, engineering, humor), poetry, etc. Former editor of Ceramic Industry Magazine. He is Executive Representative of IWS sellers of Tyler Hicks wealth-success books and kits. He also sells TopFlight flagpoles. He calls himself “Taylor Jones, the hack writer.”
More info: http://www.tjbooks.com
Business web site: http://www.aaaflagpoles.com
